I couldn't breathe. I couldn't talk. I felt like I didn't even exist in this world. I was just here physically, but mentally I was somewhere else. I was hyperventilating. Eric was standing there trying to help me breathe. After minutes, I caught my breathe.
Monday, I had my first panic attack.
I cried all day. I would stop. But then the smallest thing would set it off. I felt like my entire body was tingling. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. My arm was numb. I felt weak, like I was going to pass out. My head was going a million directions. I couldn't concentrate.
I tried to pull it together. I had to teach POP tonight. I had to. I drove to the studio trembling. I couldn't do it. There was no way I could teach. I couldn't even talk. I got there and broke down. Thank god I have an amazing owner/boss who sent me home to rest.
I don't think people realize that when I say I have anxiety, I mean that I get PHYSICAL symptoms that make me unable to do normal tasks. I DON'T mean that I am sitting here worrying. I have nothing to worry about. But I am PHYSICALLY not okay. I DON'T mean that I am stressed about work, or relationships or whatever. Those things I can deal with. They actually motivate me to work harder. But my anxiety comes on without reason. It shows up at the worst moments.
The first time I felt anxiety I honestly thought I was about to have a heart attack. I made my mom take me to emergency. They took my vitals and I was "fine." So it was either sit in the waiting room for hours or go home. I went homed and colored for hours until it went away.
As it continued, it affect my ability to teach POP. When you physically feel like you are not "here" everything feels off. That's when I knew I needed help. And more than just counseling. I started taking medication. Yes, I take medication for my anxiety and I am not ashamed to say it. The medication allows me to FUNCTION and live my life. It takes away the symptoms.
Before I had anxiety, I used to think people "were all in their heads." They can just get over it. But I was completely wrong. It's not just in your head. It's in your entire body. It TAKES OVER your entire body.
Anxiety feels like your body is running an entire marathon when you are just sitting there doing nothing.