What it's actually like to gain weight while recovering from an eating disorder

Gaining weight, even if it's "healthy" weight gain, is an absolute mental f*ck for someone who is recovering from an eating disorder. I mean, my entire life used to be consumed by measuring my worth based on losing weight. Now, you want me to gain weight? Are you insane. How am I supposed to do that? How am I supposed to validate my worth? How am I supposed to wake up every morning and NOT step on the scale and see the number go down? Like, that's not okay. But I made a choice. A choice to recover. I had no idea what that meant, or what to expect. Yet here I am.

It's time to get real. Recovery is not rainbows and sunshine. It's awful and the thoughts are even worse. The journey is a constant battle. It's not like you wake up one day heavier, happier, and recovered. It's a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs, insecurities, tears, heartaches and struggles. 

These are the real and raw experiences that I went through while gaining weight and I'm honestly still experiencing them. I'm not saying I dig deep into these thoughts and go back to my old habits, but I'm telling you this is what happens. This is what I go through.

So, here - this is what it's actually like to gain weight after an eating disorder.

1. I'm not the thinnest person in the room anymore and I'm a failure

We are praised for losing weight. We constantly compliment people and tell them "wow you look great, did you lose weight?" Losing weight means success. Losing weight is (unfortunately) always related to being healthy.

Now, when you're recovering from an eating disorder and gaining weight, it's an absolute mental f*ck. Basically I think that everyone assumes I'm a failure because I'm gaining weight. It's like everyone is going one direction and I'm going the opposite way. I feel like when someone looks at me they immediately notice how much tighter my clothes are now and how much bigger my thighs are. When I see my reflection, the first thing that pops out to me are my thighs. I bet everyone notices them.

Meanwhile, everyone else is on their weight loss journeys, getting praised for losing weight. And here I am ... GAINING weight. I'm pissed. I'm uncomfortable and I hate it. But I keep going.

2. Looking at pictures of myself is absolutely horrifying

The worst thing in the world is being tagged in a picture on Facebook and all that sticks out to you is how much rounder your face got, and how there's some extra flab on your arms. God forbid it be a picture of me sitting down because now I have a belly pooch when I sit and my thighs expand and look like they are going to bulge out of my pants. I feel uncomfortable, but I keep fighting.

3. I have no idea WTF my body is telling me

Am I hungry? Am I bored? Am I eating just because I think I need to eat to gain weight and "recover?" Then I look in the mirror and notice my stomach pooch and I'm like, "oh shit, yeah I'm def not hungry."

Regaining your relationship with food and listening to your body takes YEARS to fix. Some days you question every signal your body is telling you. Some days you just have no f*cking idea what to do. Meanwhile, your mind is going in a 100 different directions and you drive yourself crazy. But I eat and fuel my body because I need to keep fighting.

 4. I get really pissed off when people tell me I look "healthy"

Oh, I look healthy? What you really mean is I gained weight. Thanks.

For me, when I had an ED, I found satisfaction from looking sickly ill. I wanted to be called thin, skinny, whatever. Smaller meant better. But now, NOW I look HEALTHY? That honestly makes me feel like I look fat and gained weight. And now I'm disappointed in myself, embarrassed, and honestly it makes me want to go back to my old habits. But I don't. I keep fighting.

5. I began to realize the problem has nothing to do with my weight

Was I happy at Xlbs? No. I'm gaining weight and I'm still struggling. Where is this problem stemming from? As I say over and over again, eating disorders aren't about food and they aren't about looking like a model. They are about control and some underlying issue. I'm dealing with something deeper and use the ability to control my weight as a coping mechanism. So here I am, fighting, self-discovering every single day.

These are the ED thoughts that I still have. This is me being completely raw and vulnerable. Some days are worse than others and who knows the trigger. But like I've said before, thoughts are just thoughts. They are not real. It's about accepting them and then moving forward.

I am happy to have other incredible women share their thoughts and perspectives on weight gain below to give more insight on the topic.

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How Cayenne (@healthyezsweet) feels about weight gain

"Gaining weight after struggling with an ED is kind of like getting pepper sprayed in the eyes. It stings for awhile. It's unpleasant. But then your body realizes "wait, I am built to be resilient, to get through this". So you cry and the pepper spray gets washed away and suddenly you have a newfound appreciation for the clarity with which you can see again. After you gain weight, you will have a newfound appreciation for your body. And a clarity for why it needed the weight in the first place. It's not something you asked for, but it will feel wonderful." - @healthyezsweet

Check out Cayenne's amazing self-love, and body-image boosting blog HERE.

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Lexi's (@lexilonglegs27) weight gain journey

"Gaining weight is a roller coaster for sure. And I HATE roller coasters (literally and figuratively). Last year I was probably Xlbs lighter than I am now (not exactly sure how much because I don't use a scale). I used to love how people would tell me how tiny i was. I used to wear it as a badge of honor thinking that I had the best will power, and that I was super strong because I could run 13 miles straight. Ummm strong? No. My hair was falling out, no period, bones popping, injuries, cold, and always in a bitchy mood (because I was hangry obviously).

I started gaining weight kind of without a choice. I didn't want to gain weight but my body thought otherwise. I binged a lot throughout recovery and it is still a habit I occasionally struggle with.

Even though binging is a form of disordered eating, I look at it as a blessing in disguise. I was pretty much forced to gain back the healthy weight my body was desperately craving. Throughout the process I was SOOO self concious. I didn't wear shorts for a couple of months because I felt like everyone was staring at my thighs. Overtime I started to just accept it and embrace my new curves that make me look like a woman. I have a booty again! I still have my days where I feel like a whale, but I choose to focus on what an actual blessing it is to have this beautiful body. Stay strong, practice postive thinking, and always be grateful. There's a light at the end of every tunnel, I promise." - @lexilonglegs27

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Jen's (@citygirlyogi) perspective on weight gain

"Gaining weight is still something I fear pretty much on a daily basis. Some days are better than others but it's still a constant battle in the back of my mind. I went from Xlbs to Xlbs at my smallest, which thankfully I was snapped out of by my dad seeing me lose weight in a short amount of time. I am now about Xlbs which I consider to be healthy. The days where I'm having a hard time with food, I remind myself of how far I've come.

I used to have horrible anxiety. I hated food. I ate the same 3 or 4 things daily. People never wanted to go out because I was too difficult to eat with. Now that I've gotten to a more healthy mindset about food, gaining weight still scares me but I have learned to control the fear and anxiety about it. I still have a long way to go mentally, but everyday gets better." - @citygirlyogi

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Amy's (@algeorge14) experience with weight gain

"For me, I don't own a scale or anything so I'm unsure if I gained any substantial weight (I don't think I did anyway) but I know the feeling of your clothes just feeling tighter and yeah I can totally relate to the whole 'people watching you gain weight' thing. Bloating was absolutely horrible. I found I was falling into this trap of social anxiety (which was horrible because I'm an instructor. I'm supposed to be super peppy all of the time) so sometimes I would actually cry to my boyfriend before class because I was terrified. And even in dance for Army of Sass I would be soooo not confident. I even told my teacher who is one of my closest friends that I was quitting dance altogether." - @algeorge14

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How would you describe your experience gaining weight after an eating disorder, or unhealthy relationship with food, exercise and your body?