What I wish you understood about my eating disorder

3/13/2016

Before I get into it, I want to be clear that I know and understand that someone who has never experienced an eating disorder or unhealthy relationship with food/exercise will never ultimately understand what it's like. These are my opinions and experiences and they are very personal to me. I am also brutally honest.

1. I fucking love food

Sorry for being so blunt, but this is the number one thing I can't stand. Tell me to go eat a cheeseburger one more time. Yes, that will fix my problem (insert sarcasm here).

Eating disorders are complex, multi-dimensional illnesses that are caused and triggered by a variety of factors. Not a strong dislike for cake, donuts, or a hatred for bread. Stop telling me what to eat or accusing me of not liking food.

2. I'm allowed to decline when you offer me food

People with eating disorders are trying to re-establish their relationship with food. When you offer me something to eat, and I say no, DO NOT be so arrogant to think that I don't want it because I want to be thin or I'm watching my weight. Maybe I'm not hungry.

2. Eating disorders are not a choice

Yes, I made the conscious decision to be obsessed with food, weight, and exercise. I made the choice to isolate myself from friends, family and life. I made the choice to destroy my body, my metabolism and my mind (again, insert sarcasm here).

Do not be so arrogant to think that someone MADE the decision to suffer from a mental illness. Eating disorders are caused by a variety of factors, which I WISH I could pinpoint. Yes, I have a family history of anxiety and depression, yes I was consumed and influenced by social media, yes I have a perfectionist personality. All of those things probably played a part in my eating disorder, but I DID NOT make the DECISION to suffer from this. I however, did make the choice to recover.

3. Sorry, but you can't look at someone and determine if they have an eating disorder or not

You can be 95lbs without an eating disorder.
You can be 160lbs with an eating disorder.
You can have muscles and still have an eating disorder.
You can be stick thin without an eating disorder.

Stop saying that someone LOOKS like they have an eating disorder. An eating disorder is a mental disorder. You can't judge it by appearance. And just because someone gains weight, doesn't mean they are recovered.

4. My eating disorder doesn't make me weak

My eating disorder actually makes me so damn strong. People with eating disorders suffer every single day. It's an ongoing battle in their mind that affects EVERY PART OF THEIR LIFE. But they keep fighting because they have no other choice. I am not weak. I am stronger than you can imagine because I'm constantly fighting. And I'm also constantly winning it.

5. My eating disorder doesn't make me vain

It's common to assume that people with eating disorders are obsessed with being "beautiful" and having the ideal body. I am sorry, but the fact that I am mentally struggling to have all control over my life, has nothing to do with how I look or how you think I want to look. Do you think it's fun fighting a mental battle every moment of your life? Think about that next time you call me vain for having a mental disorder.

6. Stop commenting on my appearance

Seriously. My eating disorder isn't about appearance. I don't want you to tell me I look good. I don't want you to tell me I should gain weight. I don't want you to call me skinny. Those comments just trigger me deeper into my disorder. Instead, maybe ask me how I am? How do I feel? Whether I lie to you and say I'm fine, or not, it will guide me to actually think about how I'm feeling and what I can do to fix it.

7. Just because I talk about it, doesn't mean I want attention or your sympathy

I could care less what you think of me. Your opinion doesn't matter. I don't want you to feel bad for me for who I am. But I vocalize my struggle because it's my therapy. I never once opened up to my family or friends while I was suffering. If I wanted the attention, then I would have. I kept it in. I found that my true therapy is talking and expressing myself to strangers. People who aren't quick to judge. People who I can help.

13 Comments

Sharon Mucker

3/13/2016 11:47:55 am

Thank you so much for this post. As a recovering anorexic, I completely identify with EVERYTHING you just said. I feel so inspired and so strong knowing I'm not alone, and I'm sure many others will feel the same way. Keep spreading awareness about eating disorders, the world needs it. :)

Jillian

3/13/2016 12:08:05 pm

Thank you for putting into words everything I find difficult to verbalize. You have no idea how immensely grateful I am to have found you through this and other platforms! Stay wonderful!!

Steph Schultz

3/19/2016 07:46:42 am

Hey Jillian! Is it okay if I quote your comment and put it on social media? What's your Instagram? Thanks!

Ioana Balaur

3/13/2016 12:53:38 pm

So relatable! Maybe this will help people without EDs understand how we feel. Thank you!

Lexi

3/13/2016 02:09:06 pm

Yes yes yes to all of that. You couldn't of said it any better! Thank you for speaking up about this. Hopefully it'll help open people's eyes and make them think twice before they say anything to someone who is struggling.

luce_fitlife

3/15/2016 01:40:18 am

Yes, yes, and again, yes! Thats exactly the problem with most people! Thank you for this article, I am all about spreading awareness of mental disorders because people often just dont get it at all. Keep inspiring Steph!

Cassie Autumn Tran link

3/16/2016 01:19:44 pm

I am so disgusted with people who refuse to understand the real problems behind eating disorders. No, it's NOT a choice. No, it's NOT merely fearing food. No, telling someone to eat more or that they're already so thin will NOT solve it. EDs are such a complex psychological problem. This post is so helpful for people to resonate with EDs and for people to understand what would be helpful. :) I hope that more people can read this to really know everything in-depth! xx

Cayanne Marcus @healthyezsweet link

3/17/2016 04:39:23 pm

Being brutally honest suits you Steph. More people need to read this and I think it's so admirable that you've put it out there

Christine

3/19/2016 08:57:46 am

Once upon a time, I blogged about my problem, but only once--don't get me wrong, I got a ton of positive feedback, but I also got a ton of backlash. I had SO many people pass judgment on me for where I am NOW, as though endurance sports or working in fitness were a current manifestation of where I used to be. I got this horrible email from someone I considered a friend, telling me that my motivation for working out was not to be healthy or strong, but insecurity and vanity. I was told that I was attention seeking when, ultimately, I was trying to help people because I was very concerned about the things people were doing and saying about their own bodies. I made myself vulnerable in the interest of helping others and, when that happened, I was so hurt that I created a pen name and made it virtually private. Don't ever let anyone tell you that being honest about this isn't hard. You open yourself up to judgment and criticism while you expose yourself in a way that is just plain scary! Kudos to you for being brave. Hell, maybe I will even try to dig up that old post and put it back up to stand in solidarity. People need to stop shushing and hating on those who speak up and instead stand behind them and acknowledge that it happens.

3/19/2016 09:13:02 am

It's very scary to share things like this. I still have the fear of being judged, but I've accepted that it's a part of me. It happened and I'm moving forward. There's no point hiding from it. Talking about it is like therapy! And I promise your words and your views will help someone who needs it! Thanks for sharing :)

Carolyn

3/19/2016 09:35:12 am

Steph, the sad truth is that most girls and women are or will be a stitch away from succumbing to disordered eating (not necessarily the mental disorder, but external pressure and influence to obsess). I hope lots of women, and the people who care about them, see this so try know better.

Swanice

3/19/2016 04:36:29 pm

Couldn't have said it better myself. These are all so so true and I really appreciate you opening up about this in public. I think more people should read this and try to understand people who are recovering. I'm really loving your self discovery sunday posts lately. They help so much. It's so nice to know that there's someone out there who understands and supports those who are fighting. I admire and respect what you do. Thank you.

Katie Shin link

4/1/2016 05:27:52 pm

This is so good to know. I only learned the basics of 2 eating disorders - anorexia and bulimia - so this was good to read. Better than boring textbook crap. Is it very bad of me that all I could focus on in the beginning was the donut? I'm an eater. Always have been. Eat out of boredom, depression, celebration. Donuts have always been a favorite. It made me obese for awhile, just wanting to eat all the time. Hating myself for it the whole time and because I hated myself, I ate more to make at least my tongue happy. Changing was hard and when I let my guard down, I spiraled right back to where I was before. Trying again now with that 28 Day Reset plan. Not eating everything within arm's reach is so hard. I'm relying on the blogifam and the piitsters to help me this time around.

What I wish you understood about my eating disorder

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