One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was open up to my mom about my eating disorder. I mean, it's easy to talk to strangers over the Internet. But, it's another thing to talk to your mom face-to-face and watch her breakdown in tears because she thought she failed as a parent.
My disorder began in 2010, but we didn't have the conversation until 2016 when I was "recovered". How did this conversation take YEARS to have? Why didn't it happen sooner? Well, as complex as eating disorders are, so are the relationships you have. You seclude yourself, you hide. You're ashamed. And, I simply didn't want to tell anyone because I was far too deep into it and I didn't want to change.
My mom is the best person in my life. She is my best friend, my number one supporter. She's the most self-less, honest, kind, hard-working person I know. How could I let her down? How could I admit to her that I was going through something so horrible? I knew it would break her heart.
So, what happened the day I told her? I happened to be sick that day - I had a cold. I was laying in bed. I remember being extra anxious that day and my mom could tell. I'm not sure what was bothering me. I was just anxious (we can talk about anxiety in another post). She came in my room and I just knew it was time. I am so open about it to everyone else except my family. I knew that I had to tell my mom first.
I told her from the beginning. How unhealthy and unhappy I was. How much I was suffering mentally. How I lied to her from the very beginning. How I was scared, felt like I had no control. I just let everything out.
We cried. We cried a lot. She told me she felt like she failed. Like she could have helped. But I reassured her that she did all that she could. She did what any parent would do. I was so deep into it that nothing would make a difference. And I truly feel like I was meant to fight this battle on my own. In the end it made me who I am. Stronger.
Now, we're able to talk about it openly. She understands me better. She asks me questions about certain things I did back then. And now it all makes sense. Even better, we were able to sit down in front of a camera and discuss it with you. Please watch and comment any thoughts you have.