Dear Eating Disorder,
Isn't it weird that I'm writing a letter to you since you're always with me anyways? You should know how I feel, but you don't. Or maybe you do but you keep ignoring it because you're just that damn overpowering. First off, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being my best friend since 2011. You've been with me through all my life struggles with school, family, work. You made me feel safe and comfortable through all those unstable times. But you my friend are sneaky. You crept in very innocently. You had me convinced that this was right. In fact, for the first few months it wasn't that bad. But then you did something. You took over my life. You controlled every single thing I did. You made me weigh myself everyday. Multiple times a day even. You made me starve myself and you made me feel good when my stomach would growl. You made me feel pride when I could feel and see my rib bones. CONGRATULATIONS. You made me wake up every morning and look in the mirror to make sure I still had abs. Why? For what purpose? I do commend you for whatever power you have to make me feel like the mirror is a liar as I stand there with my hands on my stomach thinking that it's too big and I need to work harder today to get smaller. You made me miss out on birthdays, parties and events because you sheltered me. You abused the fuck out of me emotionally. Somehow you had me brainwashed that this was good. That this was safe. You made me lie to my parents, my family and my friends. You made me feel so weak and tired. But yet somehow you still convinced me that this was for the best. That this would make me happier, better, more successful. That I would have the best life ever if I just kept going. If I had that dream body. You made me feel like I was standing on a pedestal when I would eat as little as I could. You made me feel like my self-control was so good because I said no to cake at parties and events. You made me feel like I was the best because I would stay in and go to bed early so I could get up and do a fasted workout to burn off all the food I ate the day before. Again, CONGRATULATIONS for taking my life away from me.
My god, you are so manipulative. All of these things you made me do lead me to nothing but sadness and loneliness. You isolated me from life. You took power and control over me. You fucking ruined my life. I thought I had you beat. I thought you were gone. I thought I kicked you to the curb. But you came back. You mother-fucker came back. You haunt my thoughts from the moment I wake-up to the moment I fall asleep. You make me question everything I do.
Why won't you go away. What do you want from me? I'm smart. I'm educated. I'm honest. I'm independent. I'm real. But you WON'T GO AWAY!
I have a feeling you might never permanently go away. You're probably always going to be there in some way. I think I can accept that, but can't we come to an agreement? Some sort of compromise? If you stop bugging me. If you stop making me feel guilty for eating that extra serving of dinner. If you stop making me feel bad because I didn't workout for a full hour today. I'll promise to help you too. I'll promise to listen to those messages you want to tell me. I'll let you speak your opinion, but now it's time for me to make my own damn decisions. For me to get control, and be okay if I lose control sometimes.
Someone who's been with you for far too long.